As you may have noticed in the last week or so I’ve been posting videos rather than written reviews. I realized after a long while that even though I respect written reviews myself, I am much more likely to unwind at home and watch BookTube. I find the format more comforting as a watcher. In this “watching” process I made a lot of friends on BookTube and it always bothered me that I couldn’t fully participate or join in. Another issue, is that in the written reviews one cannot tell tone. Tone is crucial sometimes and it’s something best captured on camera.
I am still working out some kinks and issues as I’m going through this process but maybe in a few more videos things will settle in better.
My first few fears about joining the “Video” format:
- Body image problems. I’m the type of person who avoids mirrors and selfies in general and the thought of putting myself on camera out there was (is) terrifying. I filmed my first video over 30 times to just feel… okay. I’m 5″1 and even though as a whole my body looks “okay” and in zoomed out photos I’m not unhappy, my most insecure body parts are my shoulders/arms. These of course show up in every f*ing video. I do go to the gym three times per week, and I am trying to eat a plant-based diet. My health journey will go hand in hand with this book journey so, hopefully things will get better. I just decided that I’m tired of opting out of gatherings out of fear that someone may take a photo, or participating in the community I love most on the internet for the same reason. I try to remember that others work on different kinds of self-improvement projects that aren’t always so visible. Keeping all this in mind and taking a leap of courage drained me of energy for two months. I bought my camera TWO months before and this thought alone had kept me from trying…and this thought has kept me from even thinking about trying for well over a year.
- Learning to like the sound of my own voice. I know everyone hates the sound of their own voice and I did too. Surprisingly, this was overcome quite easily. I got used to it really fast and this stopped being a problem after the first few minutes of playing it back. Seriously…doesn’t even phase me anymore. So this was a positive experience.
Little did I know…
- While I thought the two above would be my two biggest obstacles I quickly learned that one needs proper editing software and proper lighting. I’ve come out green-yellow in most of my videos so far. I got the software, and now am working towards better lighting. The time spend editing is a long process as well.
Things I learned about myself so far…
- My first few videos I learned that I come across as extremely shy even though I consider myself a VERY outgoing person. I’m actively social and always make new friends by introducing myself. All my friendships in life have been started by me approaching someone out of the blue. And yet, when I play back some videos I can’t believe how scared I sound. In some of them it sounds like I’m out of breath, but I’m really just scared. I really imagine I’m addressing a crowd and I get butterflies.
Things I am keeping in mind and will try to stand by:
- I need to be more patient when filming and give thought to what I say but also be more patient about filming. I got so excited and happy that I’ve overcome some fears that I’m very eager to just post so many now! I’ve been brainstorming ideas for two years so I want to get them all done. (Pace yourself Andreea) This impatience caused me to do two HORRIBLE videos which have now been deleted. I even missed an entire challenge in the Booktube-a-Thon TBR because I was so eager to get the video up. I’m now stabilizing, and formatting, and giving myself some time/space to do it right the first time around.
- I will participate in tags so long as it’s “necessary” but not just for the sake of making a video/content.
- I will try to be myself. I don’t like it when people try to be funny in ways that don’t suit them and you can always tell. I don’t seek to imitate…I really do want to find my voice in here somewhere….it’s just taking me a while to adjust to the format….particularly the camera. I always speak so well in one-on-one conversations, but the knowledge of “mass” broadcasting is terrifying.
- I will sprinkle new things that are more me…definitely more libraries, islands, pirates, dragons, and me… As much as I love certain booktubers I’ll let them talk of those specific genres which I don’t feel equipped to take on.
Anyway, sorry for begin overly personal. I tend to avoid personal things in my posts but these have been my thoughts so far. And if you too are being held back by some fears and you’re allowing them to keep you from participating in the things you REALLY want to do, PLEASE PLEAAAAAAAASE don’t waste your time. JUST DO IT! Don’t let these fears keep you from participating in life….whether it’s knitting, or chess, or tennis, or anything else. It’s so important. I’ve allowed myself a single week of courage and I feel A MILLION times better. I feel like I’ve started something I’ll really enjoy doing for years to come and my only regret is that I didn’t start sooner. Waiting until you’re an ideal height, weight, well-read, well-spoken, long-haired, in a better home, etc…to start …is just going to leave room for more reasons to put it off. NO ONE CARES. No one cares but you. And what is worse, you’re denying others the chance to meet you.