As you may have noticed in the last week or so I’ve been posting videos rather than written reviews. I realized after a long while that even though I respect written reviews myself, I am much more likely to unwind at home and watch BookTube. I find the format more comforting as a watcher. In this “watching” process I made a lot of friends on BookTube and it always bothered me that I couldn’t fully participate or join in. Another issue, is that in the written reviews one cannot tell tone. Tone is crucial sometimes and it’s something best captured on camera.
I am still working out some kinks and issues as I’m going through this process but maybe in a few more videos things will settle in better.
My first few fears about joining the “Video” format:
Body image problems. I’m the type of person who avoids mirrors and selfies in general and the thought of putting myself on camera out there was (is) terrifying. I filmed my first video over 30 times to just feel… okay. I’m 5″1 and even though as a whole my body looks “okay” and in zoomed out photos I’m not unhappy, my most insecure body parts are my shoulders/arms. These of course show up in every f*ing video. I do go to the gym three times per week, and I am trying to eat a plant-based diet. My health journey will go hand in hand with this book journey so, hopefully things will get better. I just decided that I’m tired of opting out of gatherings out of fear that someone may take a photo, or participating in the community I love most on the internet for the same reason. I try to remember that others work on different kinds of self-improvement projects that aren’t always so visible. Keeping all this in mind and taking a leap of courage drained me of energy for two months. I bought my camera TWO months before and this thought alone had kept me from trying…and this thought has kept me from even thinking about trying for well over a year.
Learning to like the sound of my own voice. I know everyone hates the sound of their own voice and I did too. Surprisingly, this was overcome quite easily. I got used to it really fast and this stopped being a problem after the first few minutes of playing it back. Seriously…doesn’t even phase me anymore. So this was a positive experience.
Little did I know…
While I thought the two above would be my two biggest obstacles I quickly learned that one needs proper editing software and proper lighting. I’ve come out green-yellow in most of my videos so far. I got the software, and now am working towards better lighting. The time spend editing is a long process as well.
Things I learned about myself so far…
My first few videos I learned that I come across as extremely shy even though I consider myself a VERY outgoing person. I’m actively social and always make new friends by introducing myself. All my friendships in life have been started by me approaching someone out of the blue. And yet, when I play back some videos I can’t believe how scared I sound. In some of them it sounds like I’m out of breath, but I’m really just scared. I really imagine I’m addressing a crowd and I get butterflies.
Things I am keeping in mind and will try to stand by:
I need to be more patient when filming and give thought to what I say but also be more patient about filming. I got so excited and happy that I’ve overcome some fears that I’m very eager to just post so many now! I’ve been brainstorming ideas for two years so I want to get them all done. (Pace yourself Andreea) This impatience caused me to do two HORRIBLE videos which have now been deleted. I even missed an entire challenge in the Booktube-a-Thon TBR because I was so eager to get the video up. I’m now stabilizing, and formatting, and giving myself some time/space to do it right the first time around.
I will participate in tags so long as it’s “necessary” but not just for the sake of making a video/content.
I will try to be myself. I don’t like it when people try to be funny in ways that don’t suit them and you can always tell. I don’t seek to imitate…I really do want to find my voice in here somewhere….it’s just taking me a while to adjust to the format….particularly the camera. I always speak so well in one-on-one conversations, but the knowledge of “mass” broadcasting is terrifying.
I will sprinkle new things that are more me…definitely more libraries, islands, pirates, dragons, and me… As much as I love certain booktubers I’ll let them talk of those specific genres which I don’t feel equipped to take on.
Anyway, sorry for begin overly personal. I tend to avoid personal things in my posts but these have been my thoughts so far. And if you too are being held back by some fears and you’re allowing them to keep you from participating in the things you REALLY want to do, PLEASE PLEAAAAAAAASE don’t waste your time. JUST DO IT! Don’t let these fears keep you from participating in life….whether it’s knitting, or chess, or tennis, or anything else. It’s so important. I’ve allowed myself a single week of courage and I feel A MILLION times better. I feel like I’ve started something I’ll really enjoy doing for years to come and my only regret is that I didn’t start sooner. Waiting until you’re an ideal height, weight, well-read, well-spoken, long-haired, in a better home, etc…to start …is just going to leave room for more reasons to put it off. NO ONE CARES. No one cares but you. And what is worse, you’re denying others the chance to meet you.
Okay so I’ve given my ‘New Year’s Resolutions’ a lot of thought. Every year before this one I would set a few completely unrealistic life goals that required me to change my entire lifestyle. As I’ve grown wiser (which just means knowing myself better), I know that doing a complete 180 on who I am, and the things I do…is just not feasible. One activity has remained constant in my life and that is: reading. However, the deeper I get into reading, the more I branch out for the purpose of reading contemporary things, keeping updated, and staying ‘relevant.’ See my rant below “End of the Year Wrap-Up | Reflection.” I think the best ways to make reading goals and resolutions this time is to figure out WHAT makes me happy in the first place; then just stay true to the list. It was such a revelation when I figured it out, but now it seems so obvious. So here are my reading goals in 2018, things that make me happy, and a few personal goals:
(Reading) things that make me genuinely happy
Gothic themes and Gothic literature (all genres and formats)
Victorian Literature and Russian Literature
Sci-Fi and Fantasy
Medieval Studies as topic (lifestyle and hagiographies)
Everything around Shakespeare
Nature books, nature memoirs, herbalism books
Poetry of: Plath, Frost, Dickinson, and Rilke
Children’s Classics (including fairy tale collections)
Nonfiction (usually about topics 1-9)
Reading Goals 2018
Review only 1-2 ARCs per month and choose them carefully.
Use the library more: both through audio-books (from Overdrive) and physical books
Read Responsibly – by this I mean, ensure that the reading material I’ve chosen is not because of peer pressure, nor because I must ‘get through’ something, but because I genuinely enjoy it. I want my critique and analysis to reflect careful consideration. New rule: if I don’t like a book, I will not finish it.
Participate in the SFF Babbles, Victober, and Nonfic November (makes me feel like I’m part of a community).
Learn more about Sci-fi and Fantasy, and explore the genre of “Western.” I recently watched a few episodes of Godless, and realized that ‘the western’ had been such a huge influence before with its problematic themes and heists—I’d like to at least learn about it as a genre, and explore some of its main ‘classics’ I know nothing about it. Also learn more about “cyberpunk” and “steampunk.” Let’s say #5 is an exploratory “learn more about” kind of section into a genre that I have never been near.
Read as many books as possible that fit into the list of “Things that make me genuinely happy” rather than things I think I should read because everyone else is reading it. I’ve wasted TOO MANY days that way this year.
Read 1-3 books on skill building that are career-focused– which could also be library history, reference related, or librarianship (one every four months)
Build a better wardrobe. Stay away from fast fashion, invest in good quality clothing that is professional and comfortable
Try to watch classic Hollywood films and recommended good films from this movie list
Live authentically – I know this is a vague statement, similar to the ‘read responsibly’ but I want to do things because they genuinely interest me, rather than being dragged into things because other people want me to do them
Try to eat better—healthier—learn to cook a variety of things, take many walks, and try to move toward more physical movement in the way that’s not radical, excessive, or to which I would build-up a mental resistance
Paint and draw more
Take one trip somewhere meaningful (to me) — avoid hyper-touristic areas, a trip that speaks to me and doesn’t reflect Instagram accounts or what other friends have been doing.
These are my goals for the new year. They are guidelines with a lot of wiggle room, but having written out the things that make me happy before-hand is now just making me feel very excited about the reading I will complete in the year to come. I think that not naming book titles (concrete TBR), or country names to visit, or specific things that are 100% black or white will allow me to respect my mood changes throughout the year while still accomplishing my goals. I hope you have a wonderful holiday season, and that your reading goals will make you very excited about 2018 as well. Happy Reading!